Struggles to be Beautiful
by DancingFanatic217
Summary: James Diamond has always strived to be beautiful for his career, his step-mother, and his boyfriend. But has his body had enough of this struggle. Has he taken this drive to far, to the point where his health is concerned? ONE-SHOT SLASH!


**Hey guys, I know it's been awhile and sorry about that. School has been crazy with school, AP work, and kickline all at once, it's hard to keep up.**

**This has been in my head for a while, and I hope you like it. Btw Jo never dated Kendall; they're just friends in the story. Also, I'm saying this now, I have never been anorexic nor do I know people who are, I'm just going by what I researched for health class. So I apologize if it offends you in any way or if it's wrong**

**Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing except that made up foundation!**

**James POV**

* * *

><p>Being beautiful is something that I have been trying to achieve since I was about ten. It all started when my Dad married my, now, step-mother. She's the reason why I need to be beautiful. She always told me that I'm stupid and that I will amount to nothing and she's right. I am stupid and I thought that I will just be a bum and do nothing. Except one day she told me that if I'm beautiful that people will like me and I could be someone, I could do something with my life. She also told me that I need to be talented to be anything.<p>

So that's where it all started. I started to eat right, joined the hockey team (I learned that I'm actually good at that sport) with Logan, Carlos, and Kendall. I begged my Mom to sign me up for vocal lessons and piano lessons. I also signed up for every school production to work on my acting skills. I became determined to be famous so I won't be a loser, so I won't be ugly, so I won't be a bum. I then started working on my looks. I secretly used my Moms skin care products and cared about my hair more. I shopped until I made sure the clothes I got are fashionable and looked good on me. If I was beautiful, people will like me and be my friend, right?

Unfortunately, things didn't go as planned. At thirteen, I learned that I'm gay. My world came crashing down. Who will like a gay person? No one. I will become shunned, I thought. I kept it hidden for about a year.

I went on a full on binge. I started dating every girl in my grade to prove that I wasn't gay. That caused a very heated intervention from my friends. They started saying that it was wrong for me to do this to all these girls and how horrible I was becoming. That caused my breaking point. I started balling and came out to my friends. I expected them to scream and yell at me, but they didn't. In fact, they understood and comforted me. Then the biggest shocker, Kendall came out as gay also. So I entered my freshman year of high school beautiful, in shape, and with a boyfriend.

Everything was perfect, or so I thought. I realized that eating right and playing hockey wasn't enough to stay thin. I started to notice pieces of fat lingering on my body. I started to go the gym at any chance I can. I also didn't eat as much as I used to. I didn't stop eating, I just ate less.

No one noticed, even though I figured they didn't care. No one really cares, I'm still convinced Kendall is only settling with me and once he sees someone better, he'll leave me. That's pretty much my life, just pity. Everyone just feels sorry for me because I'm nothing. They feel sorry because I have to work so hard to be beautiful, while they're all natural. They're all lucky. They don't have to work out constantly to stay thin, and they don't need to worry about their looks. They're not ugly and disgusting, like I am. They're not worthless, they're perfect.

So that brings us today, where we're, we as in Logan, Carlos, Kendall, and I, in Hollywood. See this music producer came to Minnesota and said I sucked, Kendall, being the lovely boyfriend that he is, defended me say I wasn't. Although I did, I was off key and everything. So Kendall sang the Giant Turd song to him and Gustavo liked it saying he had the fire. He offered Kendall a recording contract, but Kendall refused unless Gustavo took us with him. Obviously, he did so here we are now. That was last year.

Now we're a successful pop group. The cameras are all on us, people are always watching. That's why I have to work extra hard to be perfect…be beautiful. There can't be a single flaw in Hollywood or else you're done.

* * *

><p>"Come on babe," Kendall said walking into the bedroom. "My mom wants us to eat before we leave for the studio."<p>

"I'll be out soon." I said under the blankets.

"Ok, but hurry up." He gave me a kiss on the head and left.

This is generally the routine. I will take extra long in the shower and getting ready. I will miss breakfast and make some excuse about not being hungry, or I'll take fruit or granola bar and leave. Though I wouldn't eat it, only if I feel like I'm going to pass out. I'll only take a few bites because I don't want to gain weight.

Today is no different. I do the routine and grab an apple out of the fruit bowl.

"Dude, you eat that all the time." Carlos states as I got in the car.

"Not all the time." I defended while eating my apple.

"Oh sorry," He said sarcastically. "Sometimes it's a banana, an orange, grapes, or a stupid granola bar."

"Hey, at least my man eats healthy." Kendall said putting his arm around me.

"But that's all he eats though." Carlos stated.

"That's not true!" I exclaimed.

"Yeah it is, come on when was the last time you had dinner or breakfast with us?" Carlos asked.

I've been using extra rehearsal as an excuse to not eat with the guys. It's horrible I know but how else would I stay thin.

"Ok, that's not my fault." I lied.

"Hey, stop ripping on him!" Kendall yelled annoyed.

"Thanks babe." I said kissing his cheek.

That happen to shut them up, but I know not for long. They have been getting super suspicious, so I need to be more careful of my actions.

* * *

><p>Rehearsal went by without any problems. The guys and I were our usual selves. The only thing I did notice was how tired I got during dance rehearsal so fast. Usually I can last longer than everyone else, but this time I was the first to want to collapse. I told the guys I haven't been sleeping, they seemed to believe it.<p>

Unfortunately, I'm now on bed rest.

"Hey babe," Kendall said walking in and sitting on the side of the bed. "You feeling any better?"

"I was before, but you guys insisted on putting me here." I joked.

"You know it's only because we care." Kendall explained running his hand through my hair.

"But since I'm better," I said sitting up. "Do you think I can get off bed rest now?"

"Probably, but let me run it by the guys first." He started getting up.

"Wait," I grabbed his arm and pulled in for a sweet kiss. "Haven't gotten one of those all day, now you may go."

"Well thanks for your permission." He sarcastically stated.

When he left, I waited a few minutes before putting my ear against the door. Hey, I'm curious.

"Kendall, haven't you noticed he hasn't been eating?" Carlos asked.

"What are you talking about, of course he's eating." Kendall said defending me once again.

"Carlos is right Kendall," I heard Logan's voice say. "James isn't eating. Trust me I know, I've studied it in school once and I learned more when I volunteered at that health center a while back."

"Then explain how you know it to me all mighty, future, doctor." Kendall said getting annoyed.

"They never eat in front of people, makes up excuses to not eat, if they do eat its small, fatigue, excessive working out, constantly weighing self, wears a lot of layers, doesn't like to be seen without clothes, and very insecure about their image." Logan explained.

Damn he's good. Hopefully Kendall will turn them away.

"Well I can prove that most of them are wrong," Kendall started. "James will never lie to me, so I trust when he tells me he's eating. He is working out the same amount he always has, we don't even own a scale, and he hates to wear baggy clothes or layers. Oh and by the way he's fine with his body or else we wouldn't have had sex last night. Satisfied?"

Maybe that will shut them up now, and maybe scar them a little bit.

"Ok even though I didn't need to know that," Logan said grossed out. "Were the lights on or off?"

"…off." Kendall's voice trailed of.

"See Kendall," Logan said. "There is something not right."

"You're wrong," Kendall's stubborn voice repeated. "I'll prove it. I'll cook dinner for him tonight. He'll eat, I know it."

"But what if he throws it back up?" Carlos' doubtful voice said.

"He won't because he told me that throwing up is disgusting and the mere idea repulses him. When he got the stomach virus he said that he'd rather have any other disease if it involves not throwing up." Kendall rebutted.

"Kendall, he's different now." Logan pleaded.

"Sorry guys, but I know James a little bit more than you guy, and I'll prove it tonight." Kendall said walking away from them.

As soon as I heard the foot steps, I run back to bed.

"So what did they say?" I asked playing it cool.

"You're off bed rest," Kendall's also playing cool I can see. "But I feel we haven't had a night to ourselves for a while."

"Sweet heart, we had the night to ourselves last night." I joked.

"I mean like a date." Kendall explained sitting on the side of the bed again.

"But what about Logan. Carlos, your Mom, and Katie?" I asked.

"I'm kicking Logan and Carlos out for the night and Mom and Katie are still on that mother daughter retreat that supposedly helps with bonding, I don't know." Kendall responded.

"Oh well in that case, I might have to think about it but I think it can happen." I winked.

"Good," He kissed me gently. "But you have to get out of the apartment for a while."

"Ok well I guess I'll go to the gym." I said getting out of bed.

"The whole time?" He asked suddenly.

Shit, really Kendall. I thought you were on my side.

"No just for like an hour or two, then I plan on going to the park for the rest." I said unsure.

"And do what?" He asked.

"Whoa why are you suddenly on my case?" I asked pretending I don't understand. "Do you think I'm cheating on you, don't you trust me."

Guilt trip works every time.

"No baby, of course I trust you," He responded by giving me a hug. "I'm just worried after what happened today."

"Well stop worrying, I'm fine," I gave him a reassuring kiss. "And I can't wait for our date tonight."

I left the room before he can say anything else. That was such a close call. I don't get why the guys are making such a big deal. I'm doing this for them. I need to be the pretty, if I wasn't then what would my place in the band be. Kendall is the leader, Logan is the smart one, Carlos is the reckless/funny one, and I'm the pretty one. If I wasn't pretty I'd destroy the image of the band and possibly the band. Why can't they understand?

* * *

><p>I did what I said I was going to do. I went to the gym and then the park, but while in the park I went running for an hour. I used the public Palm Woods showers in the gym since I wasn't allowed in the apartment. Of course, I also brought an extra change of clothes.<p>

Kendall texted me when I can come back to the apartment. I'm not going to lie, I'm pretty nervous about tonight. I mean there is no way I can't eat because then Kendall will definitely get suspicious of me.

I think I know what I have to do. I always said to myself that this will be an absolute last resort. I think this is my last resort.

I open the door to the 2J to find the most delightful, but also disgustingly good, smelling food. Kendall is standing in front of the table grinning like a fool.

"Hey babe," He said giving me a hug and a kiss. "I hope you're hungry, I made a lot."

"You cooked?" I jokingly asked to hide my disgust of the idea of eating.

"Yes I did and it's your favorite." He said gesturing to the table.

I look at the table to find pasta with sauce, garlic bread, and salad.

"There is also desert," Kendall gestured his hand to the freezer. "I have an amazing sundae in there that you will love."

Well doesn't my life suck. I just have to grin and bear it, for Kendall's sake.

"Well let's eat." I said putting a fake smile on my face.

I tried to eat as little as possible without getting Kendall suspicious. It worked as he didn't comment on it. We just talked about…anything really. I just tried to get this torturous dinner over with.

"God I'm so full, I don't think I can have the ice scream." I stated trying to avoid the desert as much as possible.

"Yeah I know what you mean," Kendall agreed. "Well it's already nine, do you want to end this night on a high note."

"What do you have planned?" I asked knowing the answer.

"Well it involves you, me, an empty apartment, and an even more empty room and bed." He smirked.

"I like the sound of that," I got up, walked over to him, and pulled out of his chair. "How about you go set up in there while I go piss."

"Cute," Kendall joked. "Don't take too long though, I want to make this night last."

He gave a loving kiss and walked to the bedroom.

As soon as he was out of side, I run to the bathroom. I close the door and lock it for safety.

'_Am I really going to do this?' _I think.

I just nod to myself in the mirror and slowly make my decent towards the toilet. I lean down and open the lid. I take a deep breath and sigh while muttering an 'ok'. I lift my index and middle figuring and shakily moving them in my mouth, down my throat. I start to gag but I know I can't stop. I have to keep doing what I'm doing until I'm satisfied. Soon I have that disgusting feeling in my stomach. I feel the bile coming up from my stomach, to my esophagus, and out of my mouth. I spill the contents of tonight's dinner into the toilet.

* * *

><p>After that night, the guys got off my case. They never once questioned my eating habits again. Kendall told them what happened at dinner and they were fine, even though I'm sure Kendall didn't tell them that we had sex with the lights off…again.<p>

I even started to eat a little in front of them. Only dinner really, but then I will just throw it back up. I figure if I do it once a day it's not that bad right? The guys don't even realize it so I'm safe.

Also I'm finally seeing some results. I'm finally satisfied with what I'm seeing in the mirror. My love handles are gone, my stomach isn't poking out anymore, and also my cheeks don't resemble a chipmunk's anymore. I'm finally beautiful. I'm something that my step-mother will be proud to call her son, and Kendall can now be proud to call me his boyfriend.

I have to keep going though. I can't stop my diet or I'll go back to my ugly self. I can only eat little and work out more. Like now, I'm cutting up small apple slices.

"Well doesn't someone look sexy?" Kendall says coming from behind me.

"Please I look sexy all the time." I respond smirking.

"Yes you do." Kendall stated wrapping his arms around my waist, pressing a soft kiss to the nape of my neck.

He pulled away a little too quickly though.

"Is everything alright?" I asked confused.

I turned around to see his confused face.

"Earth to Kendall." I said waving my hand in front of his face.

"Oh yeah I'm fine." He responded looking at me weird.

"Then why are as pale as a ghost." I observed.

"It's just, can you lift up your shirt for me?" Kendall asked timidly.

"Kendall, if you wanted to see me naked then can we do it in the bedroom." I joked kissing his cheek walking away.

Kendall just grabbed my wrist tightly.

"James, I'm being serious." He said not looking at me.

"Whoa intense much?" I asked confused.

"James, take off your shirt." Kendall demanded, finally meeting my eyes.

"No." I refused.

"JAMES!" Kendall yelled.

He never yells at me, even during our stupid fights. He just usually raises his voice, but never full on yelled.

I put my head down and started to take off my shirt. When it was fully off, I heard Kendall gasp. Maybe I didn't lose as much weight as I thought.

"James…oh James." Kendall whispered.

"Look I know I'm disgusting so you don't have to rub it in." I said annoyed.

"James, what are you talking about?" He asked not taking his eyes of my body.

"I mean I know I'm fat so you don't have to comment on it." I responded rolling my eyes.

"Oh James." Kendall said before breaking down.

"You're such a jackass." I quickly grabbed my shirt and ran out of the apartment.

I can't believe Kendall. Who the fuck does he think he is? Just because he's my boyfriend doesn't mean he can pretty much call me disgusting. You know fuck him and everyone else. Now I know for sure I can't stop.

I go back to the apartment at about 5. I'm more cooled off than I was before. I still can't believe Kendall did that. I'm so having a talk with him.

When I walk back into the apartment, the idea of talking to Kendall left my mind. There, right in the middle of the living room, is everyone.

Gustavo, Kelly, Camille, Jo, Mrs. Knight, Katie, Logan, Carlos, and, of course, Kendall.

"What is this?" I asked confused. "Is this some sort of party I'm unaware of."

"No sweetie," Mrs. Knight said walking towards me. "We're here because we care about you."

"Is this some sort of intervention because I'm not on any drugs, I promise." I exclaimed.

"You're right James, you're not," Kendall started. "But what's wrong is something worse than that."

"What are you talking about?" I asked even more mad at Kendall.

"James, we're talking about you not eating!" Logan yelled standing up from the couch.

"What?" I said in false alarm. "Of course I'm eating, I eat dinner with you guys everyday!"

"James, we know you're throwing it back up." Carlos commented timidly.

"James, we're just worried about you, this is really dangerous." Kelly said putting her hand on my shoulder.

"You guys are crazy, there is nothing wrong with me." I lied trying to walk away.

"Yes there is and we're trying to help you." Logan said grabbing onto my arm.

"No there isn't now let go!" I yelled trying to shake my arm out of his grip.

"James stop!" Katie finally spoke up.

I just stayed silent.

"We all know there is something wrong so stop being stupid and get some help." She said.

"James, we know you're anorexic." Jo said.

"No I'm not!" Again lies. "So why don't you guys just…just…room spinning."

I backed out.

* * *

><p>When I wake up, I notice how bright the damn room is. My room is not this bright, even with all the lights on and windows open. Bright lights mean one thing…hospital.<p>

"Ok who was the genius that put me in a hospital." I commented.

I didn't get a response. Am I really alone? I open my eyes to see that, in fact, I'm not alone. Logan, Carlos, and Kendall are standing at my bedside.

"Are you guys going to say something or just stare at me?" I light heartedly asked.

No answer.

"Hello?" I exaggeratedly said.

"You really scared us James." Carlos' timid voice spoke up.

"So I passed out no big deal." I said.

"It is a very big deal James!" Logan yelled.

I wince at his tone.

"I'm going to call the doctor." Kendall said rushing out of the room.

It's just an awkward silent until the doctor came.

"Hello James, how are you feeling?" He asked.

"Horrible." I simply responded.

"Well I expect that," He then took a look at his clip board. "I'm just going to cut to the chase. James, you fainted because your body is incredibly weak. You haven't been providing your body with the proper nutrients it needs. We took your weight and it came to be 120 lbs."

The guys gasp.

"James, you realize a man of your height should be about 160 right?" The doctor asked.

I nodded timidly.

"Have you been eating correctly James?" He asked.

I look at the guys and wince at their faces, so I shake my head no.

"How many calories have you been in taking?" He asked.

I sighed.

"I don't know," I said honestly, for once. "Every time I eat something, I usually throw it back up."

"How much do you say you exorcise?"

"Everyday for about five hours, sometimes less." I can feel the guys' disappointed looks.

"Ok," He wrote a bunch of stuff on his clip board. "James, I'm deeming you in having anorexia nervosa. You don't have to go to rehab but I'm requiring you to have therapy sessions. You'll have one-on-one everyday after rehearsal, and on your days off, for two hours. Every time you make progress the time will lesson. When you're comfortable with your disease, we're putting you in group therapy as well as one-on-one. Do you understand James?"

I just nodded in agreement.

"Now James, please don't lie about your progress. I don't want to see you back here but with worse results. You're young and just starting at your career, you shouldn't have this consume you. Now I'll leave to give you gentlemen some privacy." The doctor left without another word.

"Guys, can you also, give us some privacy?" Kendall requested lowly.

Logan and Carlos left silently.

"Kendall I-" But I got cut off.

"James, please don't speak and just let me talk," I nodded in fear. "I'm not going to yell and scream at you. I just want to say that, yes I'm mad, but I'm more upset, hurt, and unbelievably guilty. I'm upset because you think that you're that disgusting that you're doing that to yourself. I'm hurt because you told me that you would never lie to me and that you betrayed my trust. I'm incredibly guilty because I'm your boyfriend and I'm supposed to protect you and prevent things like this."

"Kendall, please don't blame yourself. This is my problem and my decision." I explained.

"Is?" He questioned. "As in you're still going to keep doing this?"

"Yeah, how else am I going to be beautiful?" I rhetorically asked.

"That's it come here," He said grabbing my hand. "Get out of bed."

I followed his orders, with his help of course. I still can't stand on my own. I have to take that stupid IV stand with me since it's attached to my arm. It's supposed to give me nutrients or something. He brought me to the bathroom and put me in front of the mirror.

"Take off you gown." He demanded.

I give Kendall a look.

"You have boxer shorts underneath ok, just do it." He demanded again.

I took off my gown as requested.

"Now look into the mirror and tell me what you see." Again another demand.

"Do I have to?" I pleaded.

"Yes James, you have to." Kendall said sternly.

"Fine," I took a deep breath. "I see a fat, disgusting human being. My stomach is protruding out, my cheeks look like I stuff them with nuts like a squirrel, and I'm just a disgusting and ugly."

"James, you're so wrong why can't you see that." Kendall said.

"Because it's true, and nothing you can do can fix that." I cried out.

Kendall turned me around to slap me right across the face.

"The fuck?" I asked confused.

"I slapped you to knock some sense into you," Kendall said. "Now I want you to close your eyes. I want you to think about the James Diamond before this monster took over. I want you to take a deep breath and not think about self image or the way you look. If it helps, think about the guys, your mom, or even me to get your mind off it. Now open your eyes and tell me what you see in the mirror."

I look into the mirror one more time, and I finally see what everyone is concerned about.

My cheeks are droopy and my cheek bones are pretty much visible. Instead of my stomach protruding out, my ribs are. My hip bones are perfectly visible. My muscles aren't even muscles, they're just skin on bones. Finally, my skin color, was once a golden tan, is now pale as a ghost.

"Kendall, I need help."

* * *

><p>"Hi, my name is James Diamond. I'm 18 years-old and I'm anorexic." My voice said in group therapy.<p>

Its' been a year since that day in the hospital. I've been in private therapy, to half private and half group, to full group. It's been a hard road but I got through it. My family and friends have been, and still are, amazingly supportive through all this. Even my therapist has been a big help. She as well is a recovering anorexic and is now a therapist helping kid's deal with it. She's my private therapist and my group therapist. She told me that if I ever need to talk to come to her, and I do.

I've gone through ups and downs and still am. With the support I have though, there is more ups than down.

"I've been anorexic for about four years now. I was able to hide it for so long before I got caught. I personally think that was the best thing to ever happen to me. I thought that my family would hate me and be disgusted by me, but I was so wrong. They have been supportive and helpful since day one. I can't be anything else but only grateful for that. Even my boyfriend stuck by me and we're still going strong. Also my amazing therapist has been extremely helpful."

She smiled at that.

"I'm anorexic. I don't think I'll ever be full cured of it, I don't even think you can. It's more of a mental disease, so it's rare for someone to be completely cured of it. But for me I'll always struggle with anorexia. I'll always have that voice in the back of my head telling me I'm not good enough, pretty enough, or skinny enough. But I have learned to suppress that voice to the point where I can ignore it. If that voice becomes too strong, I know I can call anyone I'm close to that I can talk to. So now I'm focusing on my health, music, relationships, and my foundation."

Yeah I started a foundation with the help of Gustavo and my incredibly amazing mother I have.

"It's called the 'Shine like Diamonds' foundation. It's a foundation where kids can call, or just be a part of, where we remind them how beautiful they are. It's where we can help people love the thing they hate the most about themselves. We help people shine like the beautiful diamonds they all are. So if any of you want to be apart of that, please contact me."

Everyone's face lit up and smiled at that.

"So yeah that's it. I'm James Diamond and I'm in recovery. And I realized that I'm beautiful."

* * *

><p>When group therapy is over, I walk out of the room to see Kendall waiting for me in the lobby like always. It's like a routine, I go to therapy and Kendall picks me up when it's over.<p>

"How did it go?" He asked.

"Well really well," I answered honestly. "I even talked about my foundation."

"I'm so proud of you James." He said taking my hands in his.

"I love you Kendall." I said kissing him.

"I love you too James, and you are strong."

* * *

><p><strong>I hope you liked it. Please let me know if it was too long or too inaccurate.<strong>

**By the way, the foundation I mentioned is like my dream foundation I want to start when I'm older. If I can't now. I always wanted to help people with issues like that as I go through them everyday. Just a mini dream of mine.**

**Review! =)**


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